Lisa Anita Wegner

today i have a list of tasks to do for my films and for my upcoming art installation. this morning i realized my brain was not in place to do this. after a long work week last week and judging an art competition on the weekend i could feel my cognition slip and no matter how many times it happens, it is still scary. i know i have to not fight it, relax, do what i can and let it come back. in a fews hours of slipping cognition my body starts shooting adrenaline from the fear and badda boom i’m slipping in and out of crippling panic. sometimes i can’t breathe and get a cold sweat. once that happens i have to go back to basics and breathe. then the extreme fatigue sets in. then i have to talk myself through a few rituals; making coffee; brushing my teeth; showering, walking my dogs; making art. i have realized it’s impossible to think myself out of the hole, but i can focus on other things that grab me. i have found documentaries on brain, communication and consciousness and art can grab me.

because i am now working with a deadline i have to make my day work and then preparing my brain to do my tasks then becomes my work. the stress of not having the cognitive abilities to do simple things, while there is a deadline… can be… well deadly.

first of all the other day i decided to bring on an experienced production manager named sarah. this on the whole was a nice big step toward productivity because once i have downloaded the project into her brain (her expression) then i have another knowledgable problem solver with me. in the past weeks i have tried to set up a volunteer to help me but it ended up being too stressful for my current situation.

so today i have a short list of tasks (financing and creative) and at the moment they are written down on a list and as i’ve been working my way out of my brain hole, some solutions have already come to mind. right now they are fuzzy but i trust they are there. this manoeuver is basically an act of faith. it helps for me to picture the event im working toward, visualize the films looking gorgeous and sounding sharp. and the event going silky smooth and inspiring people.

then i made a picture of how i feel right now. this morning’s picture is called signal interrupted for obvious reasons. and then i decided to write this blog. i feel like i am both parent and toddler. i need to be entertained and distracted and then be ready and focused when my brain is prepped.

i need to stay in the moment and not look at the time. i need to know that i can do this and the pathway i have found through art making and now blogging is the safest way through.

the good thing is that once i can rig jig my brain to be able to do my tasks, i am so focussed that i go through them quickly and deliberately simply. and once i get through the list the relief feels like christmas morning.

i’m going to make some more art to figure out where i am at now. and then i can sneak the work in. i have been at this process figuring out a systematic approach for years now and this is the first larger scale project that i have taken on since getting sick in 2008.

i feel this is the path i will take to get back into full time film production, while it can be a tiring amount of work it actually steam lines things for me. i do think i need a full time volunteer assistant until i can bring someone onboard full time.

yay the ever changing brain,

lisa anita wegner

Tags: art, art therapy, artist, brain injury, film production, iisa anita wegner